chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
