I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
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