I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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