the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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