so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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