If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
