i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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