Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
