my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
