Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
that may or may not have been my penis.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
