I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
