After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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