I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It's Friday. Sex?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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