apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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