my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
