A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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