Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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