3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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