somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
the condom got lost in my hair
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
