If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Randomize