i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Sober January is a disaster.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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