in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
