Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
