dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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