i jhust puked up my retainher.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
