she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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