I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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