Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
