Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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