if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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