Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
