i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
