Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
