just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
