member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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