Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
