I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You need Xanax blowdarts
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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