hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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