Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
