Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
