well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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