i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can't talk, ducks in the car
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
