I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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