im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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