Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!