i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
