She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize