A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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