No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Randomize
