Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
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