ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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