I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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