I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
