she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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