My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
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Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
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I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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