I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
