he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
