10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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