i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
