So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
